You are my sunshine…

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Maybe I’m a dork, but regardless, I love Harry Potter movies and books. I’m actually addicted. No book has really topped the Harry Potter series in my opinion. My favorite moment of the whole series?  Harry is learning how to do the Patronus charm, and he is told to think of the happiest memory he has ever had, fill himself up with it, and lose himself in it. I know anyone who has watched this movie or read the books has done just what I did, which of course is to immediately think of the happiest memory one has ever had.

There are very few things, and I mean things, which make me truly happy.  If a thing does make me smile, it’s usually the meaning behind it. Little events and time spent with other people, my dogs, thinking of all of the fun times I have had with all of the people who I’ve had the privilege to know and love - these are the true times I am happy.

My two happiest memories have always been tied since they’ve happened. The first was this: When I was little, I was so hyper and I would never shut up. I would talk myself to sleep most of the time. My grandfather could only get me to sit still and be quite by doing one thing- bringing out a deck of cards and playing slapjack. When we played this game, I would always lose. He was the king of slapjack (Slapjack: Where each player has half the deck and when a jack is thrown down, the players try to slap it at the same time. The player to slap the Jack gets all of the cards below it. The first one without any cards loses.) Westerns and slapjack were pretty much amazing as a combination, and it would always end with a bowl of ice cream or a piece of cake. What kid wouldn’t love this?

Memory 2: The first time I saw the beach as an adult. I had grown up going to the river, on a boat, fishing. My aunt and uncle would bring me to Grand-Isle for camping which was always a blast. However, there is nothing like appreciating the sand, the waves, the smell, and the overall peace the ocean can bring. Before this trip at the age of 18, I had a plan-I was going to live in a real city one day. Not Baton Rouge, but New York or Boston. Something huge. This trip changed my whole plan for life. I had never been so at peace. I had never breathed in salt quite like this. I have decided I will end up living on the beach by the time I’m retired. It’s truly my overall goal for life.

I’ve noticed in my past blogs I have really been trying to figure out way more than I probably need to right now. However, yesterday, I had this moment after my Biology test (I’m back in school finally and starting to get closer to my overall goal) and I just had to smile. As I closed my laptop, I just sat at my breakfast room table thinking of how far I have come. It’s so easy to lose track of those amazing moments with the rush of life. Most of the time, I am compared to “Speedy Gonzalez”. I drive fast, I walk fast (with purpose, of course), I work fast, and I feel like the past few years have been a blur. 

Two years ago I was working for a company which demanded quite a lot from their employees. I was so stressed every day, I was miserable.  For those of you who know me, you know it takes a lot of frustration to make me even tear up. I would come home crying hysterically every day and then I thought, if I die tomorrow, I would be so pissed at myself for being so unhappy.  I started looking for a new job, took a pay cut and quit. Sitting here today, I am proud to say I did what I did. I moved forward. I still have more to go, but I am finally happier.

My grandfather had a favorite song, “You are my sunshine” by Eddie Arnold. Something about smiling “when skies are gray”. It always made me full of happiness to realize someone’s “sunshine” could make someone smile through anything. So, if I had to think of my happiest memory overall, so far into my life, thinking about how far I’ve come has started to top them all. Just wanted to share my little revelation.

“You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.” -Mae West

Round pegs just made sense

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When I was a child, I thought God worked like this: ”God, if you just do this one little thing, I will be in church first thing Sunday!” I learned, and already knew deep down, this was not the case. As I got older, I started talking to God like a new best friend. I learned soon, this was much better than getting my way for red lights to turn green as I made my way to them. I learned if you aren’t always begging and asking for things, He just exists. I wonder sometimes if that’s like a PTO day for God when someone realizes this.

There was a point in my life where God and I were pretty close. Now, we are distant friends. This saddens me, and I guess instead of writing at this point, I should definitely go have a conversation right now.  I find myself keeping everything I want to really say inside and watching life unfold as I don’t say anything, or say too much (and yes, it can be both). It seems to be my new habit and it’s not good.

I have found a lot of people wonder if I only get one life, which I do, and God knows exactly where I’m headed, which he does, why am I left out of the loop? My grandfather, always known for giving useful advice told me once, “Two things you never talk about: religion and politics.” I’m feeling like I’m on the edge of a cliff writing this but I don’t really specify my religious points of view very often so against my better listening of advice, here it is: When I was 2 months old, my dad died. When I was 5, I pretty much started to realize my life would have been very different if he had lived through the accident. God meant for me to go through what I have been through, or it wouldn’t have happened. It doesn’t mean it is always what I want, or it is always good, but he knew the day my parents got on that motorcycle what was going down. I truly believe this. It’s not great, it’s kind of morbid, but in all honesty, this is my belief. I don’t go to church and there are very few Bible verses I can recite. My family on every side is shaking their head at this, I know for a fact. However, through knowing all of this, I know this one true thing: Everything happens for a reason.

I find there is a new me evolving. I liked the older version better personally. Then why not just change it back? Regardless of what the reason may be, I just can’t. The part of me knowing everything happens for a reason kicks in and I take a step back. It seems as if I’ve grown passive for the way life is handing me monotony. Hell, it probably seems I’ve grown passive, period. I thought so too. Until I look back at a year ago, I used to be on a kick …take life into my own hands. And then I remember  the sincerest form of stupidity I’ve ever exhibited was trying to control the details. When I have ever tried to take control of something, it always becomes a slap contest to the other side of my face. It then escalates to a daily fist fight and when the punches start coming around, I get beat…beat down to be more specific. I was not meant to just take what life’s giving me, but obviously, I am not meant to control the details. I’m exhausted and I also realize I’m over-analyzing this way too much. However, in an effort to get this like I am getting my biology class, it just needs to happen. Point of the story: Some things can never be in your control, so let it go. It will always work out in time. Talk to God so you don’t go crazy, and be friends with Him since he is ultimately controlling the details anyway.

I read this following quote the other day and it gave me hope before writing this. I am definitely feeling the “round peg” analogy.

“Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.” ―Apple Inc. (goodreads.com)

Past, Present, Future, Confused

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Past: When I was little, my mother would punish me if I would do something wrong, like lie. Instead of being put in time out, she first tried to put me in the middle of my bed (my bed was 4 feet off the ground and I was only 4  feet tall at age 5). However, my bookshelf was right by my bed, but just far enough to where I couldn’t reach. I would slowly slide off my bed, pile up some books on my bed, and then climb back up.  By the time my mom would come back in, I would be sitting in the middle of this really tall bed with a mound of books all while giggling and laughing at what I had just read. It never failed to put a smile on her face.  

Present: I’ll be 27 years old in May, and all I can think is “Why am I not where I thought I would be?” Legit question to the world: Am I the only one going through this? I swear, I get up in the mornings, I look at the crow’s-feet starting to spread across the edge of my eyes as I dab Clinique’s eye puffiness serum on, just begging for this to stop morphing into something worse. It’s then, like clockwork, I realize I’m three years from thirty. I notice my laugh lines, which in the mirror turns into frown lines, are getting more defined. And then my thought process just eerily escalates, I am nowhere near where I should be with life. And I know I should understand it’s what I need, not what I want. And like a child who wore herself out talking to the air, I finally fall onto the thought, when the hell did I get this cynical?

I love how when I express this feeling of unwanted growth outside of my mind to real people, I get laughed at and told it gets worse. I really want to say don’t you remember what it was like to lose part of your youth?  And then, without trying to be rude, I scream in my head “WHAT?!?!?! This gets worse?!?!?” hoping no one sees the panic on my face. However, there are those few times I mention this fear and very rarely, but I have at least heard it once, someone is proud to be older and wiser, which gives me some hope.

I’m not married, I do not have my PhD in social work, and I am supposed to want children at this age. Marriage is not really needed at this point in my life, I’m admittedly back in school to start working towards my ultimate career goals, and the idea of child-birth scares me beyond anyone’s knowledge (body and soul). I have been told this is a sign of immaturity, and yes, it might be. However, I’m just not there yet.

Now, I’m not trying to be a party pooper- and I promise I’m not a pessimist, because I think I laugh more now than I ever have. I’m just trying to make sense of how everything is changing, mainly me, and I am not minding it as much as I thought I would (which ironically enough, bothers me this doesn’t bother me). The point is: I can’t stop from getting older, but I feel like I’m in a rush to get to the finish line because everyone wants me there. I was enjoying the scenic route to be honest.

Future: Tonight, as I sit in the cold because being inside feels just a little too claustrophobic right now, a decision was made very easily. I will try to move forward, use my past as a “how to not redo everything I’ve already done unless it benefited me” guide, and ultimately stop over analyzing the world. I tried to find a quote to leave you awe-struck and thoughtful. I am personally not feeling awestruck and thoughtful, so here’s my delivery of feeling which instead made me feel better and I thought might make everyone smile:

“When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.” -Lily Tomlin

Eight years ago today…I can tell you everything…

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Eight years ago today, I can tell you every little move I made on this same exact day. I can tell you what the air smelled like, the sounds of everything happening around me, what everyone said and what everyone was wearing standing in his living room. It was January 25th, 2004. Though, I will not mention every little detail of this day; I’ll offer the fact this was the day my grandfather died in front of us.

There is something so life altering which happens to a person when they see a loved one move on “into the light”. This is not to sound cliché- it just is what it is. I watched as my grandfather was no longer with us, cloudy eyes and aspiration, before he was pronounced dead in our living room. He fought to not go towards it, until all of our family was present. He waited, literally held on, to let everyone have their goodbyes. I truly thought this only happened in Lifetime movies, or was made up by people who wanted to make death “alright” in their minds. There is a light and if you think there’s not, well, everyone is entitled to their own thing. I just happen to know there is.

My grandfather, regardless of his past, changed a lot before he died. He was a real person, never one for a lot of words. Although, in my head, he was, and still is, the voice of reason. When I’m doing something dumb, it’s usually his voice I’m hearing telling me “Gal, you know better. What’s your plan now?” What a lot of people don’t know, mostly because I’ve never said it quite like this, is when nothing in my life makes sense, my grandparents and I make sense. They were, and still are, my rock. They are this unit of reason and stability guiding me through even long after they had raised me.

Religion? “As long as you believe in something, we love you.”

Marriage? “Just don’t shack up”.

School? “You have to get an education or your can’t do anything!”

Right or wrong? “Do it right the first time and you don’t have to do it again.”

Utilities? ”Turn off the damn lights when you walk out of a room.”

Solid rock.

As I said before, there is something which happens to a person when you watch someone you love move on as I watched my grandfather. Yes, it was great he was no longer in pain. Emphysema is horrible and I would not wish it on my worst enemy. The something that happens isn’t the new void in that person. The something that happens is different. What that person once was before the occurence is not the same person after. It’s a movement in a soul. When we went to the funeral, I was fine. I had even gone to school the day after he died, still in shock mostly. When it hit me was when my family walked in to the funeral home and I heard my grandmother comment on his makeup. I walked out and sat on a couch outside of the room where we were having the service, and to put it bluntly, I lost my shit.

Losing control? “Gal, There’s a time and a place for everything. “ 

Now, I’m not saying I instantly grew up and became this moral person who was always guided by my grandfather’s voice, never faltering. I wish I could say I never faltered, but I faltered more than I ever had before; still do. I just realized within every day that went by, I remembered him. I didn’t remember the final days but the years before he was sick. Truly the smartest person I have ever met.

On my own father’s tombstone, there is a saying “Gone, but not forgotten.”  My grandfather left, but he is still a constant fixture in my life. And although I can never hug him or watch a western on a Sunday with him, he’s with me. His voice will never fade from my memory and his memory will always be the fill to the void of my loss. I will always write about him, his life, his impact, and his ability to be the father I needed. I will always walk with his voice in my head, as a conscience to my own story. It’s year eight, and I can finally write something without tearing up (just don’t make me watch Gran Torino and we’re good). It makes me smile to know I was this lucky. In honor of his memory and what he stood for, I’ll pass on the advice my grandfather gave me one day after a really rough argument with my mom (dumb teen years), and I realize now it was just a preview of today:

“Gal, you only get one mom. You have to love your mom and although what she does might not always be right, you know you still love her. There isn’t a day that goes by I don’t miss my mom, or my dad for that matter. You have to treat the people you love right because you never know when they might not be there anymore. Nope, not a day goes by I don’t miss mine.”- Preston Doiron, Sr. 1921-2004

Hey 2011! Farewell! Well, not really, I’m glad to see you go…

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2011 has been a hell of a year. It’s been one of trying new things, meeting new people, bad decisions, good decisions, and new outlooks on life. I am so happy for some of what 2011 has brought me, but most of it is “for the birds”, as my grandfather would say. In 2011, I have been reminded time and time again how everything happens for a reason, whether I understand if it is my reason or someone else’s reason to find. I began this year with confidence, and it seems in the past two months, I have lost confidence…mostly in people.

I recently have been told over and over, “You can’t save the world”. If everyone had this outlook on life, wouldn’t our species have died long ago. I have always been an optimist, smiles and jokes at all times. However, after what I have witnessed from skepticism from other people lately, I’m just in shock. I always thought if you do something, you do it to make a difference. This could mean in your own life, in someone else’s life, for one person or a whole mass of people. It means you are making a difference though. Otherwise, why do it?

My best example of this was my lesson for the year, named Ceaser. I had a friend who messaged me to see if I would foster a german shepherd mix (an owner surrender). I have one already, so why not?! I accepted two hours before the dog was to be put to sleep. Ceaser was covered in feces when he arrived in my friend’s car, scared and disgusting. I was scared myself. However, we took him to my bathroom, scrubbed him down twice, and watched as he came out of his shell. He started to relax and understand he was safe. Later, I introduced him to my other three dogs, and laid out a blanket for him. He slept for  the most part.

The second day, I noticed his weight started to increase and his appetite was better. He played, but would growl every now and then with my other dogs. The same night, I leaned down to give him food, and he bit me on my right cheek. After an hour at the after hours clinic, two shots to the face, and two other shots, we came home. I still pushed for this dog to be adopted.

The third day, as I fixed ice cream for myself, he got defensive as all my dogs were around and bit my german shepherd. I was urged to bring him back. I knew this meant euthanization.

The fourth day, what I will always remember as the day I made a huge mistake, I woke up devastated. Ceaser was barely moving around, it was almost like he knew. He watched as I got dressed, followed me into the kitchen as I grabbed some cheese sticks, and followed me outside. I watched as he just sulked, not even excited at the possibility of a treat. However, he sat when I commanded, and he ate three broken-up cheese sticks through a muzzle, an idea to keep him safe from my other dogs and himself. As I told everyone I didn’t want to do this, I was met with opposition of phrases like “you did everything you could” and “you can’t save the world”. Now, I knew I didn’t feel like I did everything and I definitely didn’t feel like I was going to stop this mad dash to save his life. I brought him back and found myself losing it. I couldn’t believe what was happening and how fast it happened, too. After this,  the fourth day became the day I decided no more listening to everyone else. If you don’t like what I’m trying to do, you don’t have to be a part of it. Easy.

So, Ceaser just got an extension after I have cried for 10 days straight every night praying for his life, and I am still trying. My point with this story and my lesson of 2011 is this: I might not be able to save the world, but my little causes are better than not having a cause at all. Ceaser is curable for his little imperfection of wanting to always be the dominant dog, but I am worried our society might not be. I’m not saying everyone should go rush out and get bit in the face while trying to save a dog, I’m not even saying save a dog (although if you do, that’s really amazing). I am saying make a difference, for the better, and if you get people pissed off while doing it, (I read what I’m about to say somewhere, but not sure where) it means you are standing up for something.

2012 will be a year to forget resolutions and just have actions. I think I changed with this experience, and as my true friends surfaced and my not-so-true friends disappeared, I learned to swallow a very bitter pill called “loss”. I learned those who love you don’t go far and rush back when you need them the most. I watched, pretty much with a broken heart, as those who still stayed far, became friends I “had” instead of “have”. Regardless, I only want the best for those friends. So, I’ll end with this quote that I found yesterday while thinking about writing this exact blog: 

Happy NEW YEAR!!!!

11.21.11 Giving it another try…

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Where to start? I definitely gave up on this project a while back, when my chaotic life was doing rollercoaster loops. I replaced this project with close to four other projects and found I missed this one the most.  Most people write when they have epiphanies and want to alert the world. I write because I am going crazy not saying what is on my mind. Lately, I haven’t really been speaking much about anything important. This not speaking led me to this thought…the road less traveled. I realized I’ve been dying for a road trip. So, I might not post every day, but I will definitely be posting more than none.

So, let me begin with a simple question…Where  did this past year go? This question has been plaguing me lately and I can not, for the life of me, figure it out! It was New Year’s when I decided to start this project and now, its November. I should have some large amount of posts and feel accomplished. No, this isn’t the case. However, I have been living life, which was the main objective. Thus, I reached my goal by this blog. I think it has more to go though.

“We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospect.”― Anaïs Nin

 

1.14.11…Going back to school

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My grandfather probably rolled in his grave when I dropped out of college. This is probably a fact, not just a figure of speech. My response to knowing this is the following: irony. It was because of him that I actually went to college. My whole life he pushed me to be scholarly and to finish everything I started. He was the person in our family I just wanted approval from most, for everything. I always had this dying need to make my grandmother and my grandfather proud of me since they invested so much in me.

When my grandfather died, I was eighteen and it was January 25th, 2004. It had been a long road he had to travel to get to what was to come. Emphysema is probably one of the worst deaths next to cancer. It isn’t quick, it hurts, and its amazing it came from something so stupid like a cigarette. It causes you to have wet oxygen tanks bigger than you are in your home, home health hanging around for some physical therapy, and your legs might actually start to split. I remember watching as he went through this, and as he slowly died, I did too. He was truly my best friend as he listened to everything I had to say and only gave me the most honest advice. He taught me how important family really is and always should be. The hierarchy of life went as follows: God, family, health, education, and then everything else. Without God, you couldn’t have a family and you definitely would not have your health. To provide for the family, you had to have an education. Everything else just wasn’t that important in the broad spectrum of life.

So, as I said before, it is probably a fact he rolled either his eyes or in his grave after his death when I signed my drop papers for the last time. However, the irony of the whole situation was it was his death that caused me to reevaluate. Since I lived with him and my grandmother, it was really hard to stay in the same house I grew up in. I moved out. I got a job. I made money. I was unhappy.

I decided last year, as I worked for a job that I had made more money than ever before, I was missing something. I had constantly felt like I was meant to help someone, or something. Instead, I was bookkeeping for a mall and that was it. I trained, I learned, but for what? I helped people make money, I made sure checks were cut, bills were entered, but never really truly did anything for anyone in a significant way. I searched through school catalogs and found the only thing I landed on continuously was social work.

Today’s resolution was to go back to school. I did. I paid and I am officially, until I get a degree, a student once again. Hopefully, he can look down and smile, not roll his eyes this time. However, something I can definitely say is this time around, its more for me. Its not about making money, but, and as cheesy as this sounds, its about what’s in your heart.

Also, sorry I did not post last night. It was a long day and crashing was awesome. I promise it won’t happen again.

Tomorrow’s resolution (actually today’s..please excuse my tardiness): Paint something on plywood- I have been dying to do this and plus, I have studying to do ;)

1/13/11…Dinner with friends

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Let’s try an exercise: imagine a really embarrassing moment and then think of someone you know who might just laugh with you, not at you. Okay, now, think of a really great moment and think of who you would want to share that moment with you, someone you know without a doubt would just be happy for you. That is a friend. A bond with someone who truly has your best interest at heart and enjoys being around you for the you-ness that you exude.

Cheers!

Today’s resolution was to eat dinner with friends. We cooked and my God, we ate…a lot. There was a chicken and crock pot, there was a bowl of dirty rice, and there were green beans and crescent rolls!

The following people are people you will hear names of quite a lot. Mario is my boyfriend of 5 years and he is truly one of the most amazing people ever. He has been the supporter and backbone of whatever choice or life lesson I might find myself in. Then, there are these new people in my life who have made such an impact in such a quick time. Angela, Tiffany, and Derrick are also names that will be mentioned frequently. Angela and Tiffany have become amazing friends and supporters of this project. They have really taught me to be okay with myself and I didn’t even realize it. They are the reason I went public with this project and reminded me it really was a great idea. Derrick and I were a friendship that grew quickly and surprises me all of the time in such an awesome way.

As we all hung out, including Angela’s sons Jordan and Gabriel, and Derrick’s boyfriend Quinten, I found there is a quality I both love about these friends but also the culture I come from. Being from Louisiana is a culture of food and friends, and tonight I appreciated how food has brought me closer to people. Everyone has to eat, right? When you say food in a sentence with everyone in Louisiana, everyone gets excited and everyone talks about it. Then, it grows. Then, it happens. Then, you find yourself coming closer to new people and new ideas and new memories. You find yourself listening to the conversation and instead of just eating food, you indulge in learning people and letting people learn you. I find the more I do these dinners, the more I learn the people I find myself around more and more. Everyone needs a dinner with friends.

Tomorrow’s resolution: Go back to school to make a difference

1/12/11…Guitar lessons (guilty pleasure)

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When I was eighteen, I knew everything. I knew I was where I wanted to be, around who I wanted to be, and doing what I wanted to do. One of these glorious moments in my earlier freedom was the idea to be a guitar major. My grandfather completely thought he had lost me when I told him about this new adventure I just knew I was going to go on. So, I went from my freshman year into my sophomore as a newly accepted guitar major. I really loved the sound of classical guitar and I rushed to buy my first classical, a cheap Takamine Jasmine with a plush case from Zeagler’s music. It was really not that great of a classical, but it was mine, and as far as I was concerned I was freaking awesome. The truth is, I really wasn’t that great. I was the only girl in an all-guy ensemble (17 to be exact) which was pretty great, and I rocked my first and only solo in that same ensemble with a cast on my middle finger. Yes, I flipped off the crowd the whole time. There is a video somewhere of this and it was honestly one of my favorite moments in life.

The other side to this was the feeling of doing something…There is nothing like rushing onto a stage, being on a stage, you’re nervous, palms sweaty and shaking, and then doing well. Then, when you hear people clapping, it is the biggest boost of self-confidence and in the same breath, the most humbling experience, ever.  There is truly nothing like it.

So, today’s resolution was to take a guitar lesson. I can’t stress enough how things have changed since I was in school. You can do live guitar lessons online! I took my lesson on JamPlay.com and I felt like I might actually buy a subscription at this point. I actually learned Pearl Jam’s “Elderly woman being the counter in a small town” tonight…and I dabbled with the intro to “She talks to angels” by the Black Crowes. I would have never tried to learn these songs before but I was doing it all for the wrong reasons, now this is for me.

Now, here’s the issue, I couldn’t get my voice recorder to translate to the formats supported by WordPress but I could at least take pictures. Also, after searching for what formats are supported, I have to do an upgrade. I might do this later for what other resolutions I have planned, but as of right now, I am broke and no video. However, the pictures below are pics of the chords I played in said songs.

      

Tomorrow’s resolution: Cook dinner and eat dinner with good friends…chicken and jersey sho’! The real resolution is to make time for more people in my life!

1/10/11: Do the blog…

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image

I truly bomb in the area of consistency of my life. My molecular makeup just did not come equipped with the “keeping it going” gene. It did come with the “whatever’s going on right now” gene. So, I guess this is me trying various resolutions…of which all fall under the treetop of consistency. The branches are numerous but, hey…that’s how this will work.

As everyone probably says, “My new year’s resolution is to spend more time with my family” or “lose weight”…I decided to change the complete makeup of my blog. I can say the same stuff I said on the other page of what this is really all about. However, this post is the jumpstart to how this works, not why.

Essentially, each night, I will write about the resolution I posted the day before in the previous blog, provided with pictures…the goal is to do this for 365 days straight. This is my chance to shake it up, to take the day-to-day and make it worth living. With every day’s end, there will be a new beginning the next. Am I scared of this…yes.

Tomorrow’s resolution: Finish a book for God’s sake…please…how about Half Broke Horses? The one I started forever ago?